Posted By Staff on June 19, 2013
Our friends over at Queer Me Now posted a silly little advice column from CockyBoys’ resident sexpert, The Porn Pup, focusing on five of the many sex dilemmas gay men face and how to cope with them. Some of the highlights from his tips include killing your partner’s dog if he threatens to give you HIV, becoming a flower shop attendant to help build confidence if you’re bi-curious, slathering Nutella on your pubes as the determining factor when considering double penetration, not putting razors in your rectum, and encouraging you to be a drunk and trashy mess until you’re in your mid-thirties (!). You can read some more excerpts below, or head over to Queer Me Now for the full column.
Five Gay Man’s Dilemmas That Will Make You Their Bitch – Unless You Read This First
Being gay man in the modern world can be a tricky endeavour. In ancient times it was less of an obstacle course of dilemmas; you’d simply stroll beneath the nearest aqueduct, bend over and get pounded by a hunky Roman Centurion, then wander back to your village to barter for vegetables for the rest of the day. These days you have to wonder how many STD’s that hipster you’re fucking from Craigslist has, pray you didn’t rip a condom as you opened the wrapper with your teeth, consider whether that asparagus you ate last night was what made his nose wrinkle when he swallowed your load… Truly, there’s too many things to stress over when you’re a gay in the twenty-first century.
I want to help you. I’m going to take five modern gay dilemmas, shake them and see what falls out. Hopefully it’ll be an honest solution. Then if you’re ever faced with one of these problems you can ask yourself WWTPPD. That of course means ‘What Would ThePornPup Do’, and it’s what I ask myself every morning when I’m choosing between vodka or boxed wine.
The dilemma of: Just the tip.
You just met a guy. He’s super sweet, maybe even rich and handsome. You’ve gone on a date, smiled shyly across a candlelit first course and played footsie under the table. Now you’re back at his place, flat on your back and his cocks probing your hole. Any minute now, you think, any minute now he’s going to put on a condom and is gonna fuck me rotten. But he doesn’t- his precum has conveniently lubed you up enough for him to slip inside. It’s ok, he says as you catch your breath, it’s just the tip.
DILEMMA. It feels so good but you know it’s wrong. And you know it’s wrong because everyone tells you it is; your best friend; the bored doctor at the clinic, possibly even your mum. But damn, it really does feel good, the raw connection, skin against skin (well, circumcision scar against inner bum weirdness)… do you tell him to pull out, as he’s breathing heavily in your ear about how good you feel and slides in another inch?
YES. YES YOU DO. A fuck isn’t worth catching something nasty, even the curable ones. Tell him, politely and firmly, to pull out or you’re going to kill his dog. Whatever it takes for him to get that potential weapon-of-T-cell-destruction out of you. He’s using and abusing you, and that’s only hot in fantasies and TV prison dramas.
The dilemma of: STR8 Acting.
Let’s dissect the phrase:
STR8. Well, if you’re rubbing your weenie against another guys weenie then you’re probably not. And that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Aspiring to be straight is self-deluding, pointless and ultimately self-defeating. While you might be offended by the gay men that run around West Hollywood like over-medicated flower shop attendants, consider that at least they’re being themselves- and that truly takes a real man.
Acting. Well, you’re faking it then? Why would you want to admit to anyone that you’re living a fake lifestyle? Man up and be yourself, just like those flower shop attendants.
You can follow The Porn Pup on Twitter here: @ThePornPup